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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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ok im sorry but i need to say something.
and unlike you i would say this all to your face because i have balls outside of the internet.
its pretty pathetic when u post stupid shit on livejournal about someone and when they react, delete it and try to play it off like your tough when in reality you wouldnt do shit in person.
basically the whole situation had nothing to do with you, dont get pissed at us bc your boyfriend is a scumbag.
by the way i absolutley love jessie and alyssa.
<333
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i dont know sometimes i have fun here but then other times like now, i get really lonely. i desperatley miss all my friends. last night was the most upset ive ever been here. i am just so hopelessly home sick. i get so homesick that i actually start to feel sick. i dont know anyone here, besides my family and a few others i have met. i barely speak the language but most of the time i dont even try because it is oh so pathetic. believe it or not i miss my dad. of coarse i miss my brother and also my friends. especially my friends. i see girls here with theyre bffs and i get really upset wishing i had my bffs with me. uuuughh i cant be like this now though because this is still only the first week of my vacation. honestly i could just go home now..
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Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
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your too dramatic.
just shut up.
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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
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everything is changing,
and not that i dont want it to,
I mean change is good
But i just can't help feeling left behind.
I dont want to be stuck here.
I want to start over
eat somewhere different
breathe somewhere different
live somewhere different
find new friends somewhere different.
I feel like everyone else is moving on with they're lives,
and im in this limbo, not knowing whats going to happen
I hate that.
I want to move on too
I dont want to be stuck here.
I dont want to be forgotten
And as much as they say they are not going to, I dont believe them.
Something in my heart tells me that if i dont move forward soon
Im going to get stuck
and stay stuck.
I wanted to take a year off and travel, maybe move somewhere
but everyone in my life is telling me how much of a bad idea that is.
Why is it such a bad idea?
Why is it a bad idea to want something more.
Then again, doing something out of the norm is never a good idea is it.
I am so scared that i am never going to get out of this place,
it kills me more and more everyday.
I am so jealous of the people who are leaving, and starting the next chapter.
I have a feeling i am never going to get to do that.
And I feel like i can't trust any of my friends,
lately i always feel like i have to watch my back
or i'll get stabbed.
no one knows how bad i just want to run away and never turn back.
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| Time: | 12:24 am. |
| Mood: |  blank. | | Music: | say anything - a walk through hell. |
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i think its time to change.
for everyone.
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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
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i do understand i do stupid things
i should have known
i dont think i consider the consequences of my actions
but thats my life.
people have they're opinions of me, and i truly want to say that i dont give a flying shit but its hard not to hear people whispering about you and looking at you out of the corner of their eye.
there are basically only three people i can love and trust truly. but im still confused
how do you know who's truly honest and sincere?
i'm really nervous about tommorow, i dont even know why it means so much to me but it does.
it's been eating away at me all day
i cant sleep now.
not that i ever could.
i just want things to calm down
i dont want to have to worry about every single thing in my life.
it's stupid to think your the only one with problems but its also hard to rationalize them into something a little less intense when you live them everyday.
im being driven insane by a number of things.
all of which i have no control over
it shouldnt bother me
but it does.
i do have control over one thing.
but it's a secret.
you are the one person i care for the most, my best friend if you will.
I think the reason why i'm so cold with you all the time is because i feel like if im mad at you then i dont have to worry about you, or care about what you do to yourself. But i do. i dont want to see you hurt, i dont want you to become like them. you could be so great. you can be so caring.
i have put up so many walls during the years that i dont even think my best friends know who i really am, or at least take me seriously. i want to show them, i want to be who i really am. but i cant. opening up means vulnerability, vulnerablility means getting hurt, most of the time the things i say arent what i really mean. I just cant tell you guys how i really feel. im sorry im so closed off, and im really sorry that im saying this on livejournal. and im so sorry that ive made you all think im some strong person who knows what they're doing and says whats on they're mind. I'm really not. I'm so weak inside that i feel like i might break at any moment.
im sorry guys
i love you all
but im sorry.
i keep so much from all of you.
its wrong of me.
but i cant let it out
because then you'll all see me
and thats scary.
im too selfish
im too irresponsible
im too self-involved
i dont deserve you guys.
there are so many things in my life that i wish i could take back
do you know how hard it is to live with that much regret
its hard to push into the future and focus on the present
when all you'r doing is regretting your past.
i want so badly to let it all go.
i feel so trapped and hopeless like theres no way out of here.
sometimes i dont know if any of this is worth it
at least some people have drugs to turn to
i cant bring myself to turn to that
it can be a good or bad thing. depending on how you look at it
im actually kind of jealous of the people that can drown away theyre problems with a drink or a pill
at least for even a minute i could stop thinking.
i sound like an idiot i know.
and emo ...very emo
i think im going to cut it off here.
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Monday, September 6th, 2004
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well it def has been a really wierd summer...one of the most interesting by far i must say... a lot of things happened this year but its time to put that away and step into the new year and yea im kinda scared and anxious but whatever happens happens..lets recap:
bombers won state champs (but who really cares?)
i turned 16
i made the best friends ill ever have
red gsa won for the 3rd year in a row
something happened on that day at mirays
applebees
ryan cabrera at rockaway
all those parties at jessies
meeting kate b and cat
tryign things i ddint think id try
drinking things i didnt think i would drink
picking up a bad habit
chopping my hair off
getting bangs
all those times with peri and the boys
miray moving to florida
my trip to florida
austrailian
all the shows
there are prolly a lot more but who can remember? so yea im gona miss this a lot it was a really wierd year and thats it..summers over and i dont wana go to school to see people i dont really wana see (besides my <3'ers of coarse) but at least im wearing my new skirt that reminds me a lot of kate B bc u kno i have to be like her shes just so damn stylish!!
i love you guys thanks for making this summer the best one ive had
even if i wasnt around for a month of it
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Saturday, August 14th, 2004
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| Time: | 2:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  bitchy. | | Music: | Criminal -Fiona Apple. |
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im back from wherever i was...im in such a PMS mood i think im gona be a bitch for the next few days to pretty much everyone but jessie. so yea ..anyway
happy birthday nicole i love u lots and ill b able to go to ur party yay...
im getting really stressed so goodbye
i need a fricken boy ive been deprived for a little too long
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| Time: | 11:54 am. |
| Mood: |  bored. | | Music: | Where you are - oldschool jessica simpson. |
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1)Using your Current Initials, choose a different name for yourself:: SMK > Serena Mack Kootz
2)If you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born and why?:: 1920's because everyone dressed so prim and proper and everything seemed more romantic back then....*cough* the notebook *cough*
3)If you ran a store, what would you sell/have?:: I would run a vintage Clothing store and sell clothes jewlery lava lamps and everything u could think of
4)What part in a movie would you love to play?:: I would wana play the drugged/alcoholic psychotic person bc its always fun to be a psychopath sometimes
5)In your opinion, why do people suck?:: Because its so hard to trust them, and they turn even the most trusting person ::me:: into a shallow empty shell. And because people are so quick to judge before they know the person
6)If you had your own state, what would you put on your new quarter?:: an ass
7)Whats the oldest article of clothing you own?:: hmm prolly one of my shirts that i constantly wear i dont know
8) What piece of furniture have you replaced the most?:: my drawer
9)What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at?:: i would love to learn how to play the piano or the guitar but im not cool enough :(
10) Record, Tape or Cd? cd just because its a lot faster
11) What do you think would be the best concert ever? (max: 4 bands):: Soco, Britney Spears, Incubus,Ashlee Simpson
12) What's the best part of your favorite movie? The best part of my favorite movie is when, in sixteen candles, jake ryan and molly ringwald kiss over her birthday cake.
13) What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever?:: all of it, its just useless fat that goes straight to your ass
14) If you were writing out your will, who would you give your CD collection to?:: i dont have a very extensive collection bc i borrow from my brother so id prolly jus let whoever wants it have it.
15) If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be?:: gay and lesbian rights, and muslim rights
16)Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically?:: its a tie between jessie C and robin
17) Most jealous of....intellectually?I think IM pretty damn intelligent but uhm yea prolly jessie C
18) What do you collect?:: jewelery
19)What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed?:: my really nice music box
20)What do you do when you're home sick?::sleep, watch tv
21) Why does this survey rock?:: bc its occupying my time for 20 mins or so
22) Story behind your username?:: gimpz= nicole napolitano, Jpo= Jessie P., Oats= me
23)Current Favorite Article of Clothing?:: i dont know i have a lot
24)Line from the last thing you wrote to someone?:: "U wana stop?"
25) A famous person you have met?:: Christian from BBMack!!!
26)Favorite way to waste time?:: sleep watch tv sleep
27)Last thing you bought yourself?:: tshirt
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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
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| Time: | 3:29 pm. |
| Mood: | bouncy. | | Music: | Criminal -Fiona Apple. |
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i dont have much to write about considering i dont have a very exciting life..i have some kind of throat infecttion which sucks so bad..and yea summer school ended today which is fucking awesome i passed with an 86.. now why cant i do that in the regular school year?..
i kinda hate people right now..not all of them..some people i love.. u know who you are ;) lol..i just dont like how some people can say one thing to you and another behind ur back..its just not right and it really hurts/annoys me..
ive been addicted to solitare lately its cool hoo hoo
peri is coming over today that sohuld b fun i went to the mall wit her yesterday lol
ive been feeling good about myself lately..and i think its showing..its all about confidence i have now realized its cool..maybe im finally cured...or maybe not..
i went to ashleys on monday and stuff shes so funny we had such a good time jus me nd her then nicole and nicole came and we were all being silly and then jessie and kate and alyssa and cat came and i got sick..thats wen the throat thing started i like broke out in a fever it was so wierd..
soo yea tommorow im goin to the koc hopefully and sat is ash's sweet 16 so yea after that ill b gone for a week :( miss me...
ok yea thats enough..BYE
peoplesuckmyballs...cept for the ones i <3
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this is jessie. i made izzy 2 new beautiful icons. love them adore them.
mad love
Jessie!
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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
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uuh yea things have been going wierdly good lately..i kinda feel like i dont deserve it or that something bad is going to happen..i dont know maybe im just paranoid or pessimistic but for some reason i feel like this is too good to be true..
summer school is hell i cant wait until it is over..some stupid assholes started with me today..i just dont want to deal with shit like that wen i dont even care for them its just worthless..
I LOVE JESSIE
sorry i have to cut this off
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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
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| Time: | 8:03 pm. |
| Mood: |  full. | | Music: | Are you in - incubus. |
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i wana change my fricken icon thing...i want a cute pic to be on there and the lyrics are wrong..blah anyhoo im bored today wuz such a beat night but i am hopeful bc cengiz said he could maybe get my confessions of a teenage drama queen before it came out in hollywood video bc we are special..
but yea i ate way way way too much tonight so for the next 3 days i will not be eating anything...you kno its kinda like hibernating like the bears eat all fucking summer until they are fat as hell but then dont eat for the rest of the winter bc they sleep..i wont b sleeping i just wont be eating so yea it all works out for the best..
im at the point right now where i think i dont need a boyfriend..like if i had one than cool thats great but if i dont its not the end of the world...i just get so depressed/mad/aggrivated at some epople who feel its a necesitty when its like the last thing we need...i just think some people are so fucking lucky to have the things they have and to have the friends they have and to have a family that loves them..yet they still go on about how they want a gf/bf bc they are lonely..YOU HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND YOU..thats just wat i wana screamm...a girl/guy does NOT make or break you..i understand how u feel bc i felt the exact same way until i met the bobs and until i met all the amazing people i have in my life now..i already have companionship i dont need a title because i already have people in my life that make me feel complete :) thats all i have to say on that subject
moving on..
i need to shave my legs sooo bad lol its hilarious whenever im home and know that i have no intentions of going out i like dont shower...i hate showering bc u have to move and stand up and scrub and shave and blah blah but i am starting to feel gross after 2 days of not showering so i think im going to tonight...
im proud of myself ive only had 1 button today!!!
i like it when people comment its the cool thing to do...
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| Time: | 3:56 pm. |
| Mood: | okay. | | Music: | all the way down - ashlee simpsons bf. |
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i have recently discovered solitare and im like addicted now seriously i like dont do anything else hahahahaha...last night i went to the koc and it was really really interesting...ha..i had a good time overall..i think my allergies are making me sick and i like feel so hot right now i need an air conditioner on full blast asap..
on friday night i went to acres...i was haveing a really miserable time for a number of reasons the biggest one being that i had just got the wires on my lower braces so it was an ungodly pain for which there are no words for..but yea i ended up calling my mom and going home early nd crap and yea not one of my best nights...
basically everything has been pretty good...im seeing the bobs on a weekly basis so yea im happy...im just gona b really upset wen i have to go away in august *lets pray i get a job so i wont have to go!!*
ok so yea tuesday we are having another bob night at my house...if you are our friend then you are a bob dont pull any of this "i cant im not a bob" stuff...if we <3 u then ur a bob.. so yes u better come ..we are gona see the new hilary duff movie so bring cash bitches!!!...
goodbye
-izzy-
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| Time: | 2:37 pm. |
| Mood: | bored. | | Music: | Unreachable -Ashlee Simpson. |
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just a reminder that bob night is tommorow at my hosue even if you are non bob (and i like you) please come!!! woo im so bored
Comment to this entry and post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, a quote -- anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends [and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ] have to say.
DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT
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idk if i should still have bob night bc of the inclement weather conditions..what do you guys think? comment and tell me
by the way: im not grounded anymore so u assholes better call me to chill bc i am waiting!!! lol
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Saturday, July 10th, 2004
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| Time: | 11:16 am. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | vindicated -dashboard confessional. |
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im having bob thursday at my house again this week so yea call me if u have any questions...nonbobs are invited too so call me! woo
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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
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| Time: | 11:31 pm. |
| Mood: | bitchy. | | Music: | vindicated -dashboard confessional. |
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today was awesome i was so glad to see evryone i had fun even though it was kinda beat and boring but w/e...the end sucked i wish those ppl didnt come...but i love evryone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im kinda mad at myself
i love you jessie feel better lovey dovey
i hate boys with a huge passion
I AM NOBODYS
-izzy-
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| Time: | 9:16 pm. |
| Mood: | blank. | | Music: | The story so far -new found glory. |
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today was the wierdesy day ever..i had work, i went to summer school, and then i went mcdonalds with lisa (for those of you who dont know my mom isnt too fond of her from what happened last year) lisa had no where to go until 4 so i just thought maybe i shuld call my mom and ask if she can come over.. the answer was no..then i felt bad just leaving her for 2 hours so i decided to wait with her...my mom called flipped out and sent my brother to pick me up.
when i got home we got into a HUGE fight..this was one of many..i just didnt kno what to do or say i was at my wits end with everyone. my mom was going on about how if i dont like it then i should leave and i wish i could but theres no place i could go..ad she was talking about how she wants to send me off to turkey and just saying hurtful things like she doesnt want me anymore and stuff like that..it wasnt anything that hasnt been said before when we were fighting but it still hurt all the same..
i was in a terrible mood and crying so i decided to nap...i woke up with a freaking blistering painful headache. i walk into the kitchen to get advil and a sandwich and my mom taps me on the shoulder.. i turn around and she hugs me..it was the wierdest thing of my life.. she said she was sorry and that she was just really worried about me which is understandable...she said that im probobly going to make mistakes no matter what and that i have a right to...whatever this was like wierd
i think im going to go to therapy again..shit it happening that i thought went away..w/e WOO HOO
my party is on thursday and jessies is on saturday..i dont know for some reason i feel like im gona feel wierd...maybe its coz i havent seen anyone in so long w/e bro...im not sure if me nd jessie r bff anymore we never talk...
-izzy-
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| Time: | 12:11 am. |
| Mood: | listless. | | Music: | Are you in - incubus. |
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um yea summer still sucks monkey balls but whatever i guess im going out more than i was so i guess i shouldnt complain..i cut my friends bangs and i was so afraid that i did a bad job but they ended up looking good..i should go into the hairsalon business..
ive been kinda lonely lately..not the normal lonely i usually am but like lonely as in i want a boyfriend..for a while i thought i didnt want one and i was happy jus doin my own thing but now i feel like i want something more..but yea its way too hard for me to ever get a boyfriend so im not even going to try to pursue that thought..i dont know maybe its just that im too picky or something..this is how i look at it (jessie said this to me and its exactly how i feel) guys are like a puzzle..if one peice is missing then it wont work..like the guy needs to be perfect in my eyes for it to work..he needs to be smart, funny, protective, fun to be with, and i have to be attracted to him. i can never seem to find all of them in one place..maybe im too shallow..
i have a great idea..ill ask my brother to go down to the shore for the weekend with his friends and ill tag along..and the bobs and the guys can also go to the shore that weekend so we can all chill and be cool and eya that would b a lot of fun ...
summer school sucks and now i have a job in the morning so im going to be so fucking tired..i def do not feel ike going bah its such a waste of time.
...i really wish this summer were better...
-izzy-
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gimp_jpo_oats's journal
anxious.